My name is Amanda, and I have a problem.
I take everything to heart.
My kids are my life...
So before we get too far into this post I want you to realize a few things:
1) I am my children's mother.
2) I do the best job I know how to do
3) Most days I feel totally inadaquate
Because I was so young when my sweet little boy was born, I was overwhelmed with people telling me how I should and should not do things. I was so surprised by how many people told me how I was parenting was wrong. Before he was even here I had people shoving down information down my throat on breastfeeding, immunizing, and well just general baby care. People didn't realize how lost and scared I was. They didn't ask me if I had a plan, they just wanted to tell me how THEY did it. As a young mother of 22, I was more than overwhelmed. So I guess I am writing this post for many reasons, the first of which is to make you aware that the words that you use when talking to a mom to be are so important and the second because I want to thank those that truly listened to me in those early months. I still remember my mother (who was not a huge breastfeeding supporter ironically), telling me to "take all parenting advice with a grain of salt", she always assured me that everything was going to be fine... and well, she was right. As my children have gotten older I am still bombarded with people telling me what I am doing right and what im doing wrong. Here are the facts: I breastfed one of my babies, I bottle fed the other, I made some of Addison’s baby food, I didn’t make Ashton's, I gave Ashton cereal at 4 months, and waited longer for Addison... Guess what? They are both fine. They are both beautiful. They both have their quirks and challenges but they are fine. All the hours I spent worrying, all the time I spent reading (and rereading) parents books didnt really end up making that much of a difference.
However there are 3 things you should NEVER say to a mother... ever...
1) "You are going to feed your child THAT?"
This one drives me insane. I do not know why as mothers we think we have the right to sound off on anyone else’s choices for how or what they feed their children.
First of all, I want to premise this with I am a HUGE breastfeeding advocate. I participated in extended nursing with my little boy at night and I let him self wean. My daughter however was a different story. Over the first six weeks of her life we struggled getting her to gain weight. HOWEVER with the encouragement of my friends and peers I was able to push through and got my supply and her eating habits where they needed to be.
Then something happened. I ended up in the neurological intensive care unit at a local hospital. Despite the nurses efforts they could not keep my supply up during my 5.5-day coma. I would have considered trying to build my supply back up but because of the medications I was on the risks far outweighed the benefits for my sweet daughter. I was overwhelmed with the support of the moms that had helped me through our first six weeks until I saw a friend of mine shared an article on Facebook… you all have probably read it was called something like Formula is Poison.
This "friend" of mine also so kindly inboxes it to me, saying that I should make my daughters formula in an attempt to not “poison” her. I sat in the upstairs bedroom at my moms (who was taking care of me post coma) and cried. I cried because I couldn’t nurse. I cried because I was giving my daughter something people saw as poison. I cried because I felt completely incompetent. Another one of my friends has some mental health challenges and needs to take her depression medications post partum. Since when we have we made feeding our babies more important than being the best mother that we can be.
This article compares formula feeding to aids. How is any of this behavior appropriate? How is any of this behavior acceptable? Since when is shaming moms into nursing their babies ok? Do you think that your sarcastic and thoughtless posts are going to change someone’s minds? The educator in me wants to scream at these people posting these exteme and poorly scientifically baked research, "WHO BULLYED YOU AS A CHILD?!". But I don't...
Food shaming is not just with newborns either. My now four year old went through a stage about a year ago. I call it the hotdog and grape stage. That is all he would eat. I freaked out (about six months before that we had gone through a chocolate milk stage which was similar). I told mom she had to force him to eat other things (she cares for him during the day). He would go all day without eating if we didn’t allow him hot dogs and grapes. So guess what? I bought organic hot dogs and organic grapes and he survived. As a mom we need to be SUPPORTING each other not tearing each other down!
2) "Isn't he a boy? Why are you letting him play with THAT?"
So to premise this post I have both a boy and a girl. My son’s favorite things as of this exact moment are Frozen, My Little Pony, Batman, Top 40 rap hits (thanks Heather) and Bryan Adams. To say that he is well rounded obviously is a understatement. He has interests that are similar to the most important people in his life. I love Bryan Adams (actually that might be an understatement), my sister listens to top 40 rap hits, my niece (Ashton’s best friend) loves My Little Pony, Ashton’s father likes batman, and hello, everyone loves Frozen! Ashton played soccer and tball this past spring and enjoyed both of them. However whenever I was discussing the idea of enrolling him in tap dance everyone lost their minds. Ashton expressed interest in dance ever since he turned two. I had a friend tell me that they couldn’t believe I was allowing that… and that her husband wouldn’t stand for such nonsense. Do you realize the things that dance classes teach? Click here for more information. Do you realize that you are oh so casually saying im not making the best decision for my child? Do you realize the tone you are speaking to me in?
Why is it that if I told you I had signed him up for football nobody would have thought anything about it? My niece was very concerned about him being made fun of because of dance or because he desperately wanted a Rainbow Dash backpack. My concerns are why my niece feels so strongly about this? Why are kids being made fun at school? Don’t get me wrong I am not going to send Ashton dressed to school in a fluffy pink tutu (although he has been known to play dress up with his cousin). My heart just aches because our culture has put SUCH emphasis on gender roles and appropriate toys and activities. Growing up in a home schooled family I was more of a tomboy than anything else. I took care of the horses on our farm and my sister and I explored all parts of the forest behind our house. You would never guess it now. I guess what I’m trying to say is it is NEVER ok to tell a mom what to allow their children to do or not do (especially when its not hurting anyone else). We need to get back to letting kids be kids. Letting kids have actual interests. We need to let kids explore and decide what they like. Let them discover who they are without all the propaganda and nonsense.
3) Don't worry... whenever they _________________ life will get easier.
Ok, so to be fair this is one that I struggle with daily every stage with kids is different. Let's be frank here having a newborn is hard. Having a newborn with a three year old is even harder. WHen my Addison was born I was overwhelmed. Due to things going on in my personal life I had not spent much time focusing on being pregnant. Actually if it wasnt for some very kind people I probably wouldnt even have had my bag packed for the hospital. You see, my little boy was diagnosed with stage three chronic kidney disease. Ashton had surgery when I was 35 weeks pregnant with his sister. Addison was born at 37 weeks and five days. Talk about a whirlwind. So here I am, a brand new baby, and a little boy who was still recovering from major surgery. My sweet great sleeper newborn didn't like to eat. My son was going through a stage where he didn't like to eat either. When Addison would wake up it would wake her brother up. I wished these six weeks away. Someone told me that things would get better when she was out of the newborn stage... I hoped they were right. Now I miss the way she looked so much chubbier than her brother when she was born. The way she would fall asleep on my chest. The way when she first started smiling the person who made her smile the most was her brother. The way she would clasp onto my finger. The way I could make all things right with her with a bottle and a diaper. The way she loved her baby bed and didn't (and still doesn't) like to sleep with me. Oh I wish I hadn't wished it away. Instead of someone telling me that it would get better, I wish someone would have said... Amanda, savor every second. Savor every sleepless night, every cuddle, every meal, every fit, every fight, every hug, every bath, every kiss...
I was in the grocery store the other day with my niece, my son and daughter.. Ashton and Addison were fighting over something in the cart and Emilee was pouting because I was making her ride. I had my hair pulled back in a messy pony tale and im sure looked more than frazzled. A lady stopped me to tell me what beautiful children I had. I smiled poliletly and kept walking... by the time I hit the next isle it hit me like a ton of bricks. One day, I am going to be able to grocery shop in peace. I won't have to pack a large suitcase when I travel, It wont take me ten hours to eat dinner, I won't have baby snot on my shirt, and I wont have to run Ashton to all his activities. What a sad day that will be... I just realized something... I don't want it to get better... I want to enjoy the today... I want to enjoy the now...
